I have claimed to re-claim the voice of feminine in this study. However internal conflict produce a heARTfelt exposition personal story belonging what perceived as phallic sphere organized learning kept my at bay. am an artist and spirit that intimately understood was steeped visual poetic language. wrestled with language emotionally intellectually foreign me academic writing. despised writing guardrails rubric(ed) outcomes challenged great resistance individuality relational aspects knowledge production. In other words desired bend linear mindset towards motion lemniscate circle spriral