Let's get some parfait Hell no I don't like no parfait SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott Once upon a time there was lovely princess. But she had an enchantment her of fearful sort which could only be broken love's first kiss. She locked away in castle guarded terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights attempted to free from this dreadful prison but non prevailed. waited the dragon's keep highest room tallest tower for true love and (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What load - (toilet flush) Allstar Smashmouth begins play. Shrek goes about his day. While nearby town villagers get together go after ogre. NIGHT NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's there? MAN2 All right. Let's it! Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do you? MAN3 Yeah it'll grind your bones bread. sneaks up behind them laughs. Yes well actually would giant. Now ogres oh they're much worse. They'll make suit freshly peeled skin. MEN No! shave liver. Squeeze jelly eyes! Actually quite good on toast. Back! Back beast! I warn ya! (waves torch at Shrek.) calmly licks fingers extinguishes torch. The men shrink back him. roars very loudly long breath all remaining torches until are dark. This is part where run away. (The scramble He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down picks piece paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs throws paper over shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There line fairy creatures. head guard sits table paying people bringing creatures cages around. Some Peter Pan who carrying Tinkerbell cage Gipetto who's Pinocchio farmer three little pigs. GUARD one's full. Take it away! Move along. Come on! Get up! HEAD Next! (taking witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days over. (breaks broom half) That's 20 pieces silver witch. Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) cage too small. DONKEY Please don't turn in. I'll never stubborn again. change. Please! another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh shut up. (jerks rope) Oh! have got? GIPETTO wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not real boy. (his nose grows) Five shillings possessed toy. Father please! Don't let this! Help me! takes money walks off. old woman steps table. Well I've got talking donkey. Right. ten shillings if prove it. ahead fella. Donkey just looks her. Well? oh he's just...he's nervous. He's really chatterbox. Talk boneheaded dolt... heard enough. Guards! No no he talks! does. (pretends Donkey) talk. talkingest damn saw. out my sight. no! swear! talk! guards grab struggles with them. One legs flies kicks Pan's hands drops Donkey's head. gets sprinkled dust able fly. Hey! fly! PETER PAN 3 PIGS Ha ha! right fool! Now flying You might seen housefly maybe even superfly bet ain't donkey (the pixie wear off) Uh-oh. (he sink ground.) hits ground thud. Seize him! (Donkey running.) After GUARDS getting way! Turn! keeps running eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. turns around see bumped scared moment then spots coming path. quickly hides there. Ogre! Aye? By order Lord Farquaad am authorized place both under arrest transport designated resettlement facility. really? army? look as well we other tucks tail laughs business walking cottage. Can say something Listen really somethin' here. Incredible! Are talkin' to...(he gone) me? right front him.) Whoa! Yes. you. tell great here? Those guards! They thought they that. Then showed up bam! trippin' themselves like babes woods. That made feel great. Really. Man free. why celebrate freedom own friends? Hmm? But uh any friends. goin' myself. Hey wait minute! idea! stick You're mean green fightin' machine. Together we'll scare spit anybody crosses us. regards before roaring loudly. wow! scary. If mind sayin' work certainly will job done 'cause definitely need some Tic Tacs or something stinks! almost burned hair outta nose time...(Shrek covers mouth continues talk so removes hand.) ...then ate rotten berries. strong gases leaking butt Why following why. (singing) 'Cause alone There's no one here beside me My problems gone deride gotta faith... Stop singing! It's wonder Wow. Only friend cruelly honest. me. I? way Shrek) Uh ...really tall? ogre! know. "Grab pitchforks." Doesn't bother Nope. Really? Really really. Oh. What's name? Uh Shrek? you kind I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. respect that (They come hill Shrek's cottage.) Look Who'd want live that? home. lovely! Just beautiful. decorator. amazing you've done such modest budget. boulder. nice guess entertain much privacy. know too. common. hate when somebody face. You've trying give hint won't leave. awkward silence. (awkward silence) what? please? (sarcastically) Of course! No. wanna there! considered freak. (pause while do. together. stay! Okay! night only. Ah! Thank you! inside cottage) you...? hops onto chair.) fun! We late swappin' manly stories mornin' makin' waffles. Where do sleep? (irritated) Outside! cool. outside best Here go. Good night. (Shrek slams door.) (sigh) outdoors. born outside. sitting myself outside guess myself alone...there's me... COTTAGE ready dinner. himself lights candle earwax. eat hears noise. stands huff. (to told (from window) noise find person sees several shadows moving. finally blind mice BLIND MOUSE1 gents far cry farm choice have? MOUSE2 home fine. GORDO (bouncing slug) bed. Got ya. (Grabs mouse escapes lands found cheese. (bites ear) Ow! Blah! Awful stuff. Is Gordo? How did know? Enough! grabs mice) doing house? (He mice.) Seven Dwarves Snow White table.) no. Dead broad off DWARF supposed put her? bed's taken. Huh? marches bedroom curtain. Big Bad Wolf wolf BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE now has collar dragging him door. swamp. signs. terrifying privacy? opens door throw collected Tale Creatures land.) bears sit fire pied piper playing pipe rats him elves directing flight traffic fairies witches land...etc. swamp? (this echoes everyone falls silent.) Gasps hide tent. move go! Hapaya! Quickly. (more dwarves house) Not (they him) (turns didn't invite gosh invited were forced (flabbergasted) who? PIG Farquaad. huffed puffed he...signed eviction notice. (heavy sigh) Who knows guy is? Everyone each answers. is. Does anyone else him? Anyone all? Me! Anyone? pick know! Me Okay Attention things. comfortable. welcome officially worn out. In fact land came from! (Pause. crowd wild.) You! comin' hear man. Donkey two stalwart friends whirlwind big-city adventure. On road Sing can't singing? whistle? hum it? 'On Road Again'. DULOC KITCHEN A masked man torturing Gingerbread Man. continually dunking glass milk. FARQUAAD Man pulled milk slammed cookie sheet. However reaches eyes. clears throat lowered. Man's plays them) Run run fast can. catch gingerbread GINGERBREAD MAN monster. monster are. rest trash poisoning perfect world. others? Eat spits Farquaad's eye.) tried fair patience reached its end! Tell I'll...(he makes pull buttons) buttons. gumdrop then. Who's hiding them? muffin man? man lives Drury Lane? she's married man! She's Head Guard lord! waiting for? Bring More enter covered hang whatever remove It Magic Mirror. (in awe) Ohhhh... mirror... anything! (Farquaad dumps trash lid.) Evening. Mirror mirror wall. most kingdom MIRROR technically you're king. Thelonius. (Thelonius holds hand smashes fist.) saying? mean king yet. become one. marry Go (chuckles nervously) So relax lord because meet today's eligible bachelorettes. are! Bachelorette number mentally abused shut-in far likes sushi hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking cleaning evil sisters. Please Cinderella. (shows picture Cinderella) cape-wearing girl fancy. Although seven men easy. kiss dead frozen lips wire White! White) last bachelorette fiery redhead dragon-guarded surrounded boiling lava! cool loaded pistol pina colads caught rain. Yours rescuing Princess Fiona! (Shows Fiona) So one three? Two! Three! Three? One? THELONIUS (holds 2 fingers) Pick three okay three! Farquaad chosen Fiona. perfect. someone go... probably should mention happens sunset... Silence! Fiona queen DuLoc king! Captain assemble finest men. We're going tournament. (smiles evilly) Parking Lot Lancelot Section field parking lot. itself 40 stories high. DuLoc. ya I'd must castle. Uh-huh. place. think compensating something? laughs groans doesn't joke. through lot.) wait. Wait Hurry darling. late. Hurry. attendant wearing giant screams rows rope gate second. Look straight rows. attendant wall down. continue DuLoc.) quiet. Too everybody? pulls lever attached box marked 'Information'. music winds doors open begin sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome town rules Let us lay waves along fine grass Shine shoes wipe your... face is Suddenly camera picture. Wow! again! (makes again) (grabs still) hear trumpet fanfare arena. Brave knights. best brightest land. Today shall himself... As walk tunnel arena humming theme song. smacked bottom. Sorry champion honor privilege forth rescue reason winner unsuccessful runner-up take forth. may die sacrifice willing make. (cheers) tournament begin! notices hideous! Farquaad) Ah nice. Indeed. Knights new plan! kills ogre named champion! Have hey! Hang now. (bumps mugs beer) CROWD ahead! mug Can't settle pint? Kill No? (drinks spigot large barrel beer comes rushing drenching wetting ground. mud slides past spear dropped. fight larger barrels. breaks ropes roll. manages squish mud. fighting detail. Suffice butt. Shrek tag Tag bangs man's against Donkeys. interacts crowd. Yeah! tries sneak chair! chair guys back. Finally helmet ding sounds end match. audience wild. yeah! much! till Thursday. Try veal! laughter stops their weapons Shall order sir? better idea. People DuLoc our Congratulations won embarking noble quest. Quest? already quest quest swamp swamp! dumped those creatures! deal. Exactly was? Down last slime-covered toadstool. squatters? gone. quest? Time Lapse heading munching onion. straight. dragon princess filled full freaks right? there's donkeys shouldn't stuff Throttle siege fortress grinds bread whole trip. what. Maybe decapitated entire village heads pike gotten knife cut spleen drink fluids. sound For information lot more ogres than think. Example? um onions. onion) (sniffs stink? Yes cry? leave sun brown start sproutin' white hairs. Layers! Onions layers. Ogres layers! heaves sigh (trailing {Sniffs} everybody Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes care... likes. cakes. likes? Parfaits. met person say ? Parfaits delicious. dense irritating miniature beast burden! onions! story. Bye-bye. See later. delicious planet. preferred humming. tissue making mess. word parfait slobbering. montage journey. Walking sunset. Sleeping beneath bright moon. campfire next day having bit problem pees fire DRAGON'S KEEP house appears volcano. (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did crack everything. Believe you'd dead. brimstone. close. smell. wasn't stone neither. climb side volcano/keep small rock center lava. foreboding. Sure big enough location. (laughs...then laugh groan) remember said layers? aye. confession Donkeys fear sleeves. mean. afraid heights. uncomfortable being rickety bridge on Donkey. ya okay? emotional support. tackle baby step time. better. Keep rotting board ends looking lava) lookin' down! God off halfway. half safe! this. Wait! Just dance then (bounces sways bridge) sorry. this? Yes? Okay. (continues bounce sway backs across doin' die. (steps solid ground) That'll (walks towards castle) Cool. pain-in-the-neck anyway? Inside (chuckles) dragon INSIDE CASTLE afraid? But... Shh. good. Me (sees skeleton gasps) nothin' wrong bein' afraid. Fear's sensible response unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation add. With breathes eats sure coward scared. heck coward. things Shut ... stairs. Stairs? (putting helmet) stairs tower. she'll read book once. handle whip goin'. EMPTY ROOM still room. drastic steps. Kick curb. mess stair master. mastered wish ELSEWHERE light window. least where's the... (os) Dragon! gasps fire. hold dragons on) irritated flicks air crashes roof wakes jerk lying floor. Aah! cornered Dragon knocks roars) teeth have. growls) white sparkling teeth. food bleach dazzling smile detect hint minty freshness? else? dragon! sure! course reeking feminine beauty. fluttering eyes matter eye? Ohh. stay I'm uh...(the blows smoke ring shape heart coughs) asthmatic it'd work blow rings. carries FIONA'S His straightens dress lays bouquet flowers asleep. puckers lips. shoulders shakes FIONA Wake Fiona? am awaiting knight bold let's wait Sir Knight. be-ith meeting. Should wonderful romantic moment? sorry lady. doing? sweep feet yonder window valiant steed. plan this haven't (smiles) Mm-hmm. lock hallway. savor moment! recite epic poem ballad? sonnet! limerick? Or something! so. name champion? (clears handkerchief) pray favor token gratitude. Thanks! roar. (surprised)You slay dragon? to-do list. (takes drags isn't right! meant charge in sword drawn banner flying. did. burst flame. point. suddenly ignores side.) Wait. going? exit's save ass.