Cricket Is Shit you're the one that I want Hello there Helmer fans it’s me again definitely the real Roger Helmer back with another hot mouthful of news and views from Strasbourg or ‘The Bourg’ as I like to call it. it that because just Borg’ Star Trek around here all these mindless shuffling EU Strasborgs milling about inside this giant darkened voting cube turning dials pushing buttons on their chests. Bloody robots. It makes sick being them hearing them talk in ridiculous robot languages. Get this readers German word for language is Deutsch but Dutch Nederlands Netherlands calls itself Holland Hollande president France. tell you if words were drugs would be a great big needle sharing drug party Brussels handing out language-meth tax-payer funded platter Belgium spitting gobs grammar-cocaine into Italy’s MDMA-rimmed verb-arsehole. Anyway there’s only one I’m interested that’s STRAIGHT TALKING. And English. WANT A HORSE Popular singer-songwriter Mika who quarter Syrian Lebanese half normal person once sang “I could brown blue violet sky” stark admission man’s raging cultural identity crisis damning indictment unfettered multiculturalism brought by liberal immigration policies. Mika wanted Grace Kelly what really want horse so don’t have step foot European soil every time come here Strasbourg. has won’t go mental an aeroplane going ride down steps straight runway then gallop my meetings. Perhaps horses Warhorse they’ve probably been aeroplanes at least seen are cheap enough background horses. Obviously Warhorse himself unless he’s available. I’M AFRAID WIND TURBINE WILL KILL MY What use however will eventually bludgeoned death tip wind turbine’s spinning rotors was case Tewkesbury last weekend when crowd galloped right flailing arms deathtraps story WON’T hear BBC. new study America shown young male naturally drawn rotating blades which distance appear resemble audience thin white lady horses each giving wave exaggerated theatrical way say “come over horse club arms”. Once they get closer turbines cruel ruse revealed however horse’s natural instinct sniff metal takes trot danger zone sniffing innocently giant mast unaware high speed rotorblade clobber agonising traumatic death. How must pile dead dying turbine Britain become before we shut murderous sideways helicopters? GLOBAL WARMING Look start understand different between weather climate change do. measure local conditions environment huge variations depending location year extremes weather both cold occur year round. also science patterns global scale very long periods man-made warming models allow kinds while predicting more frequently. that. But hey I’d see warmists explain why scraping ice off windshield March eh? Checkmate. NIGEL FARAGE’S FACT BARRAGE Stand Roger. Step aside now Nigel Farage UKIP fact-guts rumbling opinion-sphincter spasming intestines turgid piping reason. My body aching pump greasy ribbons truth know means: Farage’s Fact Barrage. Oh god way. They should PU boy does Europe stink (pee-eww!) No wait Onion me cry There 500 countries EU whom walk your garden laughing trees One day bee came Portugal fucked up Britain now bees The most popular Hungary called EVERYONE goes You thing teleporters where maybe they’re killing original person creating clone memories? Well what’s happening Channel Tunnel then? Bulgaria named after Great British womble. nerve! It’s Romania mad rowing. Rowing our bloody country is. Cigarette means little cigar baguette doesn’t mean bag. Nice try France you’re fooling no If got rid borders immediately flood. LOOK AT MAP. When John Travolta musical Grease he wasn't talking Greece. Greece currently undergoing financial I'm sure agree *isn't* fact dogs speak Do coming woofing post offices ways don't understand? Ella Fitzgerald American. done Ella! Unfortunately she's black. dead. So swings roundabouts EVERYTHING IN ITS RIGHT PLACE Why not keep things segregated official Helmer-branded chest drawers available Nordic furniture men IKEA? http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/40107872/ “But Roger” ask “why supporting good honest struggling make ends meet under stifling bureaucratic regime imposed unelected overlords Brussels?” unfortunate administrative error part assistant misheard instruction had been purposes comedy effecting strong Asian accent time. “IKEA don’ yooz Argos ma Hermer draws!” shouted quite clearly other room. assistant shall reprimanded she wife. Yes employ wife using taxpayer money joke.